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 My short story

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How would you rate the latest chapter ?
1/10
18%
 18% [ 2 ]
2/10
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
3/10
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
4/10
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
5/10
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
6/10
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
7/10
18%
 18% [ 2 ]
8/10
18%
 18% [ 2 ]
9/10
36%
 36% [ 4 ]
10/10
9%
 9% [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 11
 

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Iv121
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PostSubject: Re: My short story   Mon Nov 05, 2012 4:06 pm

. Well it's almost time for a new chapter and the votes haven’t changed. I get the feeling I'm like a policeman who tells you to read that crap you don't want to so if you don't read it just write "Iv, it's pointless, you can quit" and at least I won't write to the walls. Just say ...
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PostSubject: Re: My short story   Tue Nov 20, 2012 4:33 pm

I did some stuff in RL so I didn't write a chapter. Now I've got some free time to let my imagination work. Hope you vote and maybe point out at stuff I did wrong (even spelling, I'm looking at you Tiel )



Chapter 6 – The Ethanimus:
 


Last edited by Iv121 on Wed Nov 21, 2012 1:40 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: My short story   Tue Nov 20, 2012 4:58 pm

Iv, I must say you're a good writer. I really like the story.
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PostSubject: Re: My short story   Wed Nov 28, 2012 5:41 pm

I actually ran into a problem with this one. I planned to add it to the OP as always but it said the post was too long. I can edit my second post but it won't be enough for long either. Maybe one of the mods can help ?

BTW thx Daynel. When you do such as stuff one of the biggest pleasures is to see your work appreciated, impressing people with it, like a reward at the end. It's quite frustrating that nobody wants to comment as it makes you feel ignored so I appreciate everything said here including constructive criticism.

Chapter 7 – get in, get out:
 
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PostSubject: Re: My short story   Wed Nov 28, 2012 6:25 pm

Is flaming encouraged? Or will I get shot up by the IDF for insubordination?

Just kidding. I really like the extensive dialogue in the latest chapter, but something that could use some work is your description of actions.

"The first ball turned down at Kail, the second one was following it from behind. Kail dodged the first ball. It went back towards the fence. The second ball corrected course towards Kail. He caught the ball and sent at Emily."

This could have all been one fluid sentence.
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PostSubject: Re: My short story   Thu Nov 29, 2012 1:39 am

Can you make one ? It's the hardest part as really I have nothing to compare it to, I can only describe idiotically how the move their hands around and even then you'll never get the picture , I need to learn how to paint Razz . (or find someone who knows and manage to correctly explain then what and why the hell they randomly wave their hands in the air Smile ).. Give an example how would you do it, it will be really helpful. BTW the extensive dialogue is because I'm just too lazy to come up with new names for characters I won't use anyway ...
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PostSubject: Re: My short story   Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:03 pm

We are slowly getting to the interesting bits Smile

Chapter 8 – The Void Tournament:
 

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