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Legion
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PostSubject: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:09 pm

A quick sci fi short story I wrote in about 20 minutes.
Another First
This was it. The greatest expedition in the history of mankind. Humanity was going to become an interstellar species. The date:
August 25th, 2097. Inspired by the dreams of Asimov and the other science fiction writer greats, the efforts of NASA and pioneer Neil Armstrong, we would surpass our wildest dreams.

As the final crew boarded the vessel, one final diagnostic check remained. Then the fateful words “All systems go.” were uttered by flight technician Markus Raven. The docking clamps were released, and the world stood still, all eyes directed to the sky- and the stars.
“Odyssey, Clamps released. Over.” “Roger. Light the chemical rockets.” “Ignition... Ok, I’m reading all systems in the green.” “Copy. What is your distance from space-dock 7?” “Eight hundred kilometers and rising.” “...Ok, you’re good for a five pellet burst.” “Roger.” “Five pellets injected into fusion chamber.” “Ok, velocity increasing.” “Five thousand miles per second... Wow, we’re accelerating fast.” “Ok, well we’re gonna sever the audio link now. Godspeed and good luck. Mission Control out.”

And so the USS Odyssey would continue on its mission. To seek out the most valuable thing in the universe. Life.

Written By Andrew Cox
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:11 pm

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this isn't a short story.

This is a paragraph.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:32 pm

I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:44 pm

fr0stbyte124 wrote:
I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph.
A change in speaker does not constitute a new paragraph. And really, the two first p's only have enough content between them to form one, seeing as many of the sentences are fragments.

Quote :
This was it. The greatest expedition in the history of mankind. Humanity was going to become an interstellar species. The date:
August 25th, 2097. Inspired by the dreams of Asimov and the other science fiction writer greats, the efforts of NASA and pioneer Neil Armstrong, we would surpass our wildest dreams. As the final crew boarded the vessel, one final diagnostic check remained. Then the fateful words “All systems go.” were uttered by flight technician Markus Raven. The docking clamps were released, and the world stood still, all eyes directed to the sky- and the stars.
“Odyssey, Clamps released. Over.”

“Roger. Light the chemical rockets.”

“Ignition... Ok, I’m reading all systems in the green.”

“Copy. What is your distance from space-dock 7?”

“Eight hundred kilometers and rising.”

“...Ok, you’re good for a five pellet burst.”

“Roger.”

“Five pellets injected into fusion chamber.”

“Ok, velocity increasing.”

“Five thousand miles per second... Wow, we’re accelerating fast.”

“Ok, well we’re gonna sever the audio link now. Godspeed and good luck. Mission Control out.”

And so the USS Odyssey would continue on its mission. To seek out the most valuable thing in the universe. Life.
Even then I'd hesitate to call it a short story. A story has a plot - an antagonist, a protagonist, etc. This just seems to just go over a basic launch in no particular detail.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:04 pm

I could write more in 10. And under no circumstances does one use anything other than metric until something better is developed.
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Delta
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:07 pm

Vinyl wrote:
And under no circumstances does one use anything other than metric until something better is developed.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:24 pm

Tiel+ wrote:
fr0stbyte124 wrote:
I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph.
A change in speaker does not constitute a new paragraph. And really, the two first p's only have enough content between them to form one, seeing as many of the sentences are fragments.
You should never put two speakers in the same paragraph, even if the paragraphs end up being one word. Putting the dialog at the start of the paragraph is the norm, but that part is optional.

Quote :

Even then I'd hesitate to call it a short story. A story has a plot - an antagonist, a protagonist, etc. This just seems to just go over a basic launch in no particular detail.
A story isn't that strictly defined. That's like saying every story is either a comedy or a tragedy. Characters, coherent plot progression, etc are useful tools, and generally needed for the story to not suck, but that's not what makes it a story.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:43 pm

I wrote a mock epic about a cryogenic colony ship in English class once. Worked pretty well. Also, I got to rhyme with fun words like "Geostationary", "Aerobrake" and "Apoapsis"

I blame Kerbal Space Program for my knowledge.

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You know, I was thinking we should have a 3D crafting grid for complex recipes, but Kielaran is right: why have three dimensions when you can have six? Truly I don't know how we ever got by with a measly two.


Mackeroth? wrote:
Now, if Fr0stbyte wrote that, someone would make a sig, guaranteed. So what are you going to do now?
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:52 pm

fr0stbyte124 wrote:
Tiel+ wrote:
fr0stbyte124 wrote:
I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph.
A change in speaker does not constitute a new paragraph. And really, the two first p's only have enough content between them to form one, seeing as many of the sentences are fragments.
You should never put two speakers in the same paragraph, even if the paragraphs end up being one word.  Putting the dialog at the start of the paragraph is the norm, but that part is optional.

Quote :

Even then I'd hesitate to call it a short story. A story has a plot - an antagonist, a protagonist, etc. This just seems to just go over a basic launch in no particular detail.
A story isn't that strictly defined.  That's like saying every story is either a comedy or a tragedy.  Characters, coherent plot progression, etc are useful tools, and generally needed for the story to not suck, but that's not what makes it a story.
I just tend to do what I did there - put them in double spaced sentences. It just gets messy if you try to integrate them into paragraphs.

Every story has a plot. Even this one, which would be 'spacecraft launch to generic Star Trek overtones'. A good plot is what makes or breaks a story and separates it from, say, an essay. The OP does not possess a particularly thrilling one, which is only exacerbated by its meager length. Good spelling and capitalization, though, it just needs some sort of extension. What's there is the start of a short story about humanity visiting space; to say the existing text can stand alone as it is and fulfill the parameters of an objectively enjoyable fictitious read is just, well, wrong. I don't know how else to put it.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Wed Oct 09, 2013 11:50 pm

Legion wrote:
A quick sci fi short story I wrote in about 20 minutes.
Another First
This was it. The greatest expedition in the history of mankind. Humanity was going to become an interstellar species. The date:
August 25th, 2097. Inspired by the dreams of Asimov and the other science fiction writer greats, the efforts of NASA and pioneer Neil Armstrong, we would surpass our wildest dreams.

As the final crew boarded the vessel, one final diagnostic check remained. Then the fateful words “All systems go.” were uttered by flight technician Markus Raven. The docking clamps were released, and the world stood still, all eyes directed to the sky- and the stars.
“Odyssey, Clamps released. Over.” “Roger. Light the chemical rockets.” “Ignition... Ok, I’m reading all systems in the green.” “Copy. What is your distance from space-dock 7?” “Eight hundred kilometers and rising.” “...Ok, you’re good for a five pellet burst.” “Roger.” “Five pellets injected into fusion chamber.” “Ok, velocity increasing.” “Five thousand miles per second... Wow, we’re accelerating fast.” “Ok, well we’re gonna sever the audio link now. Godspeed and good luck. Mission Control out.”

And so the USS Odyssey would continue on its mission. To seek out the most valuable thing in the universe. Life.

Written By Andrew Cox
And then everything was nuked and the plot of Halo started.


Bam one more line and the whole story got better.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Thu Oct 10, 2013 1:02 am

Legion wrote:
I wrote

-schnip-

Written By Andrew Cox
Everybody remember this in case I forget.
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Hierarch CMA
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Thu Oct 10, 2013 5:13 pm

>Nasa
>Effort

Other than that, try to be more descriptive, and write longer of course.

Edit: Andrew Cox sounds really familiar for some reason, also, u gon get doxxed son.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Thu Oct 10, 2013 10:32 pm

CHALLENGE TIME. THIS IS NOW A CHALLENGE THREAD!

Everyone, time yourself. You have 20 minutes to write the best damn short you possibly can. Bonus points awarded if yours ties into the last person's, RP style. I'll seed this.

Grey.:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:16 pm

DaveMustaine wrote:
Edit: Andrew Cox sounds really familiar for some reason, also, u gon get doxxed son.
Apparently it's a really common name. I looked it up, found a British guitarist, Canadian hockey player, a bunch of IT guys from <insert country here>, etc.
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:18 pm

Her reaction had been unexpected. Other medical personnel had taken the nurse to another room, and more soldiers had been assigned to the door. The uncomfortable plastic of the chair was ignored as I wondered what went wrong, biometrics were normal, but something seemed to be fundamentally wrong about Grey. The military certainly wouldn't complain, we might even get more funding because of it.
"Dr. Raymond?" an assistant asked, curious as to why the doctor was staring into space like that, an abnormal thing for him.
"No, no. I'm fine," Raymond replied quickly, facing Wesley.
"Well, the initial reports are due in the next hour."
"Send the results to Dr. Hammond, he can read them better than me."
Wesley nodded and left down the hall. Was Project SENTINEL worth the risk it posed? No one could be sure until the atrocities this incited were felt on a scale large enough that it would come to their knowing. I stood, and walked back to the operating room, I showed my ID to the guards; a single soldier followed me in. Grey lay there, incapacitated. Suddenly, the alarm rang. Klaxon blaring, numerous soldiers rushed in, and wheeled away her table. Following, I could only guess the reasons for it, an outbreak of one the many stored viruses, an escaped patient, any number of things could have happened. The large cargo elevator was already packed with other scientists and equipment, we barely fit on. The gates closed, making others resort the the stairs until the carriage went back.
After a short eternity, the large windows of the facility were in sight, Earth was largely visible and dominated most of the view. The halt of all work on Luna 3 would only be worsened by the crisis.
(Done in 16 minutes and 57 seconds)
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Fri Oct 11, 2013 2:15 am

Needs more owls
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PostSubject: Re: Short story   Fri Oct 11, 2013 3:09 am

I'd say you need to have your plot planned ahead so that you know what is about to happen at least for the moment and keep parts of it secret to drive the reader to know more, though for that you really need to get the plot ready so sometimes its just better write it for that.
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