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| | Short story | |
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+8Tau _Shadowcat_ Keon Delta Joel fr0stbyte124 Tiel+ Legion 12 posters | Author | Message |
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Legion Newbie
Posts : 16 Join date : 2013-02-20 Location : Somewhere...
| Subject: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:09 pm | |
| A quick sci fi short story I wrote in about 20 minutes. Another First This was it. The greatest expedition in the history of mankind. Humanity was going to become an interstellar species. The date: August 25th, 2097. Inspired by the dreams of Asimov and the other science fiction writer greats, the efforts of NASA and pioneer Neil Armstrong, we would surpass our wildest dreams. As the final crew boarded the vessel, one final diagnostic check remained. Then the fateful words “All systems go.” were uttered by flight technician Markus Raven. The docking clamps were released, and the world stood still, all eyes directed to the sky- and the stars. “Odyssey, Clamps released. Over.” “Roger. Light the chemical rockets.” “Ignition... Ok, I’m reading all systems in the green.” “Copy. What is your distance from space-dock 7?” “Eight hundred kilometers and rising.” “...Ok, you’re good for a five pellet burst.” “Roger.” “Five pellets injected into fusion chamber.” “Ok, velocity increasing.” “Five thousand miles per second... Wow, we’re accelerating fast.” “Ok, well we’re gonna sever the audio link now. Godspeed and good luck. Mission Control out.” And so the USS Odyssey would continue on its mission. To seek out the most valuable thing in the universe. Life. Written By Andrew Cox | |
| | | Tiel+ Lord/Lady Rear Admiral 1st
Posts : 5497 Join date : 2012-02-20 Age : 26 Location : AFK
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:11 pm | |
| I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this isn't a short story.
This is a paragraph. | |
| | | fr0stbyte124 Super Developrator
Posts : 1835 Join date : 2011-10-13
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:32 pm | |
| I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph. | |
| | | Tiel+ Lord/Lady Rear Admiral 1st
Posts : 5497 Join date : 2012-02-20 Age : 26 Location : AFK
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 7:44 pm | |
| - fr0stbyte124 wrote:
- I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph.
A change in speaker does not constitute a new paragraph. And really, the two first p's only have enough content between them to form one, seeing as many of the sentences are fragments. - Quote :
- This was it. The greatest expedition in the history of mankind. Humanity was going to become an interstellar species. The date:
August 25th, 2097. Inspired by the dreams of Asimov and the other science fiction writer greats, the efforts of NASA and pioneer Neil Armstrong, we would surpass our wildest dreams. As the final crew boarded the vessel, one final diagnostic check remained. Then the fateful words “All systems go.” were uttered by flight technician Markus Raven. The docking clamps were released, and the world stood still, all eyes directed to the sky- and the stars. “Odyssey, Clamps released. Over.”
“Roger. Light the chemical rockets.”
“Ignition... Ok, I’m reading all systems in the green.”
“Copy. What is your distance from space-dock 7?”
“Eight hundred kilometers and rising.”
“...Ok, you’re good for a five pellet burst.”
“Roger.”
“Five pellets injected into fusion chamber.”
“Ok, velocity increasing.”
“Five thousand miles per second... Wow, we’re accelerating fast.”
“Ok, well we’re gonna sever the audio link now. Godspeed and good luck. Mission Control out.”
And so the USS Odyssey would continue on its mission. To seek out the most valuable thing in the universe. Life. Even then I'd hesitate to call it a short story. A story has a plot - an antagonist, a protagonist, etc. This just seems to just go over a basic launch in no particular detail. | |
| | | Joel Marine
Posts : 1473 Join date : 2012-04-01 Age : 27 Location : A Death World, stopping a Waaagh!
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:04 pm | |
| I could write more in 10. And under no circumstances does one use anything other than metric until something better is developed. | |
| | | Delta Sergeant
Posts : 904 Join date : 2012-03-26 Age : 25 Location : Virginia
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:07 pm | |
| - Vinyl wrote:
- And under no circumstances does one use anything other than metric until something better is developed.
| |
| | | fr0stbyte124 Super Developrator
Posts : 1835 Join date : 2011-10-13
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:24 pm | |
| - Tiel+ wrote:
- fr0stbyte124 wrote:
- I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph.
A change in speaker does not constitute a new paragraph. And really, the two first p's only have enough content between them to form one, seeing as many of the sentences are fragments. You should never put two speakers in the same paragraph, even if the paragraphs end up being one word. Putting the dialog at the start of the paragraph is the norm, but that part is optional. - Quote :
Even then I'd hesitate to call it a short story. A story has a plot - an antagonist, a protagonist, etc. This just seems to just go over a basic launch in no particular detail. A story isn't that strictly defined. That's like saying every story is either a comedy or a tragedy. Characters, coherent plot progression, etc are useful tools, and generally needed for the story to not suck, but that's not what makes it a story. | |
| | | Keon Lord/Lady Rear Admiral 1st
Posts : 3076 Join date : 2012-01-17 Location : Hahahaha.
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:43 pm | |
| I wrote a mock epic about a cryogenic colony ship in English class once. Worked pretty well. Also, I got to rhyme with fun words like "Geostationary", "Aerobrake" and "Apoapsis"
I blame Kerbal Space Program for my knowledge. | |
| | | Tiel+ Lord/Lady Rear Admiral 1st
Posts : 5497 Join date : 2012-02-20 Age : 26 Location : AFK
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:52 pm | |
| - fr0stbyte124 wrote:
- Tiel+ wrote:
- fr0stbyte124 wrote:
- I count 3, and really each change in speaker should also mark a new paragraph.
A change in speaker does not constitute a new paragraph. And really, the two first p's only have enough content between them to form one, seeing as many of the sentences are fragments. You should never put two speakers in the same paragraph, even if the paragraphs end up being one word. Putting the dialog at the start of the paragraph is the norm, but that part is optional.
- Quote :
Even then I'd hesitate to call it a short story. A story has a plot - an antagonist, a protagonist, etc. This just seems to just go over a basic launch in no particular detail. A story isn't that strictly defined. That's like saying every story is either a comedy or a tragedy. Characters, coherent plot progression, etc are useful tools, and generally needed for the story to not suck, but that's not what makes it a story. I just tend to do what I did there - put them in double spaced sentences. It just gets messy if you try to integrate them into paragraphs. Every story has a plot. Even this one, which would be 'spacecraft launch to generic Star Trek overtones'. A good plot is what makes or breaks a story and separates it from, say, an essay. The OP does not possess a particularly thrilling one, which is only exacerbated by its meager length. Good spelling and capitalization, though, it just needs some sort of extension. What's there is the start of a short story about humanity visiting space; to say the existing text can stand alone as it is and fulfill the parameters of an objectively enjoyable fictitious read is just, well, wrong. I don't know how else to put it. | |
| | | _Shadowcat_ Infantry
Posts : 421 Join date : 2012-10-22 Age : 27 Location : Master Theif
| Subject: Re: Short story Wed Oct 09, 2013 11:50 pm | |
| - Legion wrote:
- A quick sci fi short story I wrote in about 20 minutes.
Another First This was it. The greatest expedition in the history of mankind. Humanity was going to become an interstellar species. The date: August 25th, 2097. Inspired by the dreams of Asimov and the other science fiction writer greats, the efforts of NASA and pioneer Neil Armstrong, we would surpass our wildest dreams.
As the final crew boarded the vessel, one final diagnostic check remained. Then the fateful words “All systems go.” were uttered by flight technician Markus Raven. The docking clamps were released, and the world stood still, all eyes directed to the sky- and the stars. “Odyssey, Clamps released. Over.” “Roger. Light the chemical rockets.” “Ignition... Ok, I’m reading all systems in the green.” “Copy. What is your distance from space-dock 7?” “Eight hundred kilometers and rising.” “...Ok, you’re good for a five pellet burst.” “Roger.” “Five pellets injected into fusion chamber.” “Ok, velocity increasing.” “Five thousand miles per second... Wow, we’re accelerating fast.” “Ok, well we’re gonna sever the audio link now. Godspeed and good luck. Mission Control out.”
And so the USS Odyssey would continue on its mission. To seek out the most valuable thing in the universe. Life.
Written By Andrew Cox And then everything was nuked and the plot of Halo started. Bam one more line and the whole story got better. | |
| | | Tau Infantry
Posts : 517 Join date : 2012-01-16 Age : 24 Location : Ancapistan
| Subject: Re: Short story Thu Oct 10, 2013 1:02 am | |
| - Legion wrote:
- I wrote
-schnip-
Written By Andrew Cox Everybody remember this in case I forget. | |
| | | Hierarch CMA Infantry
Posts : 483 Join date : 2013-10-05 Location : Ivan's basement.
| Subject: Re: Short story Thu Oct 10, 2013 5:13 pm | |
| >Nasa >Effort
Other than that, try to be more descriptive, and write longer of course.
Edit: Andrew Cox sounds really familiar for some reason, also, u gon get doxxed son. | |
| | | MercurySteam Infantry
Posts : 543 Join date : 2013-06-22
| Subject: Re: Short story Thu Oct 10, 2013 10:32 pm | |
| CHALLENGE TIME. THIS IS NOW A CHALLENGE THREAD! Everyone, time yourself. You have 20 minutes to write the best damn short you possibly can. Bonus points awarded if yours ties into the last person's, RP style. I'll seed this. - Grey.:
Amy awoke, she realized that her arms were straining against rubber wristbands that held hands to a stainless steel tabletop. There were similar restraints around her waist, ankles, and forehead. She could only move her eyes to look around. She didn't, though; there was a blindingly bright light over her, shining directly into her face. She shut her eyes as she felt a searing pain in her head. A rush of sensation flooded through her. She felt an IV depositing a fluid into her veins, heard a voice that seemed like it was shouting at her, the pull of the rubber straps as she continued to struggle, the stitches and cold metal in the flesh of her arms and legs and fingertips and head. but the light faded out. She opened her eyes and relaxed, the blinding light was replaced with a softer, ambient one that showed a white wall beyond a group of smiling faces.
"The operation was a success, Ms. Hartfield." One of the faces said.
Operation? There was an operation? That's right. The program, Project 'Watcher.'
"Unstrap her." The same face spoke. One of the other faces disappeared.
Someone said outside Amy's vision, "Are you sure she's ready?"
The man that spoke first responded to the disembodied vioce, "Quite, her system's been cleared of anesthetic. She may be slightly disoriented, however..."
Amy felt the straps loosen. She jerked her hands out of the restraints and sat up on the table. She looked around, noticing that her movements were too quick, exaggerated. She rolled off of the table. When the floor hit her, it rang. She soon realized that it was not the floor that rang, but he own body. She looked down and saw shiny metal penetrating her flesh, breaching the skin in some places. Wires and ran down her arms and split at her wrists, ending in several silvery nodes at her fingertips. She flexed her hands, the nodes sparked. She lifted her hand, pointed to one of the sources of light. The bulb exploded. Two of the nurses quickly attempted to restrain her. Amy pushed them away, pushed them far too hard, apparently. One of them stumbled backward and fell over an empty cart, the other was lifted off of his feet and slammed into a wall. A streak of blood was left where he slumped down to the floor.
"No! No one else approach!" The first man said, holding his arms out to block the paths of the other nurses. He grabbed a clipboard and scribbled something out, then wrote something beneath it. He cautiously walked to Amy and showed her the clipboard. 'Amelia Hartfield' was scratched out. 'Grey' was written in ash-colored ink below it. Now she remembered. The Doctor inserted a needle into her skin, a few seconds later, Grey's world blurred.
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| | | Tau Infantry
Posts : 517 Join date : 2012-01-16 Age : 24 Location : Ancapistan
| Subject: Re: Short story Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:16 pm | |
| - DaveMustaine wrote:
- Edit: Andrew Cox sounds really familiar for some reason, also, u gon get doxxed son.
Apparently it's a really common name. I looked it up, found a British guitarist, Canadian hockey player, a bunch of IT guys from <insert country here>, etc. | |
| | | Joel Marine
Posts : 1473 Join date : 2012-04-01 Age : 27 Location : A Death World, stopping a Waaagh!
| Subject: Re: Short story Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:18 pm | |
| Her reaction had been unexpected. Other medical personnel had taken the nurse to another room, and more soldiers had been assigned to the door. The uncomfortable plastic of the chair was ignored as I wondered what went wrong, biometrics were normal, but something seemed to be fundamentally wrong about Grey. The military certainly wouldn't complain, we might even get more funding because of it. "Dr. Raymond?" an assistant asked, curious as to why the doctor was staring into space like that, an abnormal thing for him. "No, no. I'm fine," Raymond replied quickly, facing Wesley. "Well, the initial reports are due in the next hour." "Send the results to Dr. Hammond, he can read them better than me." Wesley nodded and left down the hall. Was Project SENTINEL worth the risk it posed? No one could be sure until the atrocities this incited were felt on a scale large enough that it would come to their knowing. I stood, and walked back to the operating room, I showed my ID to the guards; a single soldier followed me in. Grey lay there, incapacitated. Suddenly, the alarm rang. Klaxon blaring, numerous soldiers rushed in, and wheeled away her table. Following, I could only guess the reasons for it, an outbreak of one the many stored viruses, an escaped patient, any number of things could have happened. The large cargo elevator was already packed with other scientists and equipment, we barely fit on. The gates closed, making others resort the the stairs until the carriage went back. After a short eternity, the large windows of the facility were in sight, Earth was largely visible and dominated most of the view. The halt of all work on Luna 3 would only be worsened by the crisis. (Done in 16 minutes and 57 seconds) | |
| | | Groot Marine
Posts : 1456 Join date : 2012-03-18 Age : 27 Location : Yggdrasil
| Subject: Re: Short story Fri Oct 11, 2013 2:15 am | |
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| | | Iv121 General
Posts : 2396 Join date : 2012-02-05 Location : -> HERE ! <-
| Subject: Re: Short story Fri Oct 11, 2013 3:09 am | |
| I'd say you need to have your plot planned ahead so that you know what is about to happen at least for the moment and keep parts of it secret to drive the reader to know more, though for that you really need to get the plot ready so sometimes its just better write it for that. | |
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