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 Random story time! (because i'm bored!)

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Delta
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PostSubject: Random story time! (because i'm bored!)   Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:02 pm

here have a story.

Chapter 1
Spoiler:
 




The formatting got <CENSORED> so i had to correct it last minute I'm sure there are still a lot of mistakes so RESPECTFULLY alert me to them (: (If you don't mind.)

EDIT: this is my FIRST story.


Last edited by arsln100 on Thu Aug 09, 2012 2:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Tiel+
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PostSubject: Re: Random story time! (because i'm bored!)   Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:10 pm

Use commas, and be more creative with your dialogue. One of the first things I learned about writing was that you can't just use 'said', try 'replied' and 'exclaimed' and 'questioned', etc, any speaking related verb you can use in past tense, really. You have some of that in there but it needs more variety. Another thing you want to stay away from is including all your details in the dialogue, this should typically be in a paragraph preceding it. And again, can't emphasize enough, COMMAS.

You seem to have everything except the above down, and the story's premise seems genuinely interesting, so good work. I look forward to more.
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PostSubject: Re: Random story time! (because i'm bored!)   Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:27 pm

Tiel wrote:
Use commas, and be more creative with your dialogue. One of the first things I learned about writing was that you can't just use 'said', try 'replied' and 'exclaimed' and 'questioned', etc, any speaking related verb you can use in past tense, really. You have some of that in there but it needs more variety. Another thing you want to stay away from is including all your details in the dialogue, this should typically be in a paragraph preceding it. And again, can't emphasize enough, COMMAS.

You seem to have everything except the above down, and the story's premise seems genuinely interesting, so good work. I look forward to more.

Uhuh. Words's built in synonym thingy is not the best. so I will weed that chapter and work on #2.
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PostSubject: Re: Random story time! (because i'm bored!)   Thu Aug 09, 2012 4:13 pm

Nice story.
Oh and do the ship belong to any UF faction?
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PostSubject: Re: Random story time! (because i'm bored!)   Thu Aug 09, 2012 4:31 pm

Daynel wrote:
Nice story.
Oh and do the ship belong to any UF faction?


uhh no. And thanks I should have chapter two done in a few days.
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